In Case You Didn't Know...

I was at an event today with women from all walks of life. Despite the disparity in age, height, weight, attitude, and personalities, I have discovered some veritable universal truths that I am compelled to share with you.

~ UGGS are not attractive. They are not working for you. Unless you are Sasquatch or trekking through a foot of snow, don't go there. Especially with shorts...I don't care what Vogue or Teen Cosmo says. They lied.

~ Words belong in conversation, in books, on pages, in songs...many, many places. But not your backside. You're not "Juicy" and I can assure you "Luscious"  isn't doin' much for you, either.

~ Perfume is a wonderful thing. I love my fragrance. I love the way a scent brings someone immediately to mind when I catch a whiff of one they have adopted. But not when it assaults my sinuses, lays siege to my brain, and spears my eyeballs with hot pitch-forks. This is where less is definitely more...really...I beg you.

~ Sweats are called athletic wear for a reason. Unless you are on your way to an athletic endeavor, at an athletic endeavor, or just returning from an athletic endeavor, please do not adorn yourself in sweats. In the words of Eddie Murphy, battleship gray is not your color. Their shapeless message proclaims, "I didn't think enough of myself to bother choosing clothes today. I didn't think enough of you to care that you had to witness this debacle."

~ Pajamas are for bedtime. Clothes are for daytime. Enough said.

~ Skinny jeans are all the rage this season. Heck, they prompted me to purchase my first pair of jeans in years. But when cinched at the waist of said jeans you have the ominous muffin-top protrusion happening, perhaps a belly shirt should not be your go-to apparel. Don't be hatin'...I say this for your own good. And mine...I don't wanna see it.

~ I don't get the year-round flip-flop thing, but if you insist, please wash your feet. It's bad enough seeing young women traipse around in the midst of cold weather wearing summer foot attire, but filthy feet are something I just can't get my head, or my stomach, around.

~ All you young chippies thinkin' you're all that? You keep believing it if it's workin' for you. But after watching quite a few of you disrespect your mothers and women of age around you, know this: someday those perky things will droop, your highlights will fade, you will undoubtedly regret that tattoo on your wrist, and you will realize you had no business assuming such an arrogance stance. You have not yet begun to live. You know nothing.

~ On the flip side, women of age need to embrace this wonderful time and realize you're not teens. Your girls have drooped, those ridiculous highlights are not working for you, the flower and dagger tattoo is hysterical, and at a certain point micro-minis with leggings stopped being your friends. Embrace it, accept it, and move on.

~ Life begins at forty. I love it. Women in their forties have a confidence that can't be bottled. We know who we are, know what we like, embrace our sexuality, and are comfortable in our own skin. It only gets better from here.

All women, ladies, teens, and young girls must realize we are all amazing, astounding, beautiful, and incredible. The moment we stop tearing each other down we will be a force to be reckoned with and will conquer the world.

Now you know.