I Didn't Come Here To Be Insulted...

I was waaaayy overdue for some exercise in my life and figured if I could get back into some type of routine I may have more energy and feel less achy. Also, my sister is signing me up for next year's Warrior Dash and I am not looking too warrior at the moment. In light of my short attention span, I chose to reacquaint myself to the Wii Fit with its many activities and pretty colors. Well, let me tell you...

After finally working up the ambition to drag everything out and hook it up, I needed my first water break. Whew! Refreshed and rarin' to go, I climbed onto the Wii Fit Board, which proceeded to yell at me to get off. Seems it needed to calibrate itself. Seriously? It can track my every motion, not to mention the weather, but it needs a moment? Good grief...

At some length it invited me to step on. And I kid you not, after clambering back up and positioning myself I swear that evil little thing said, "Oooof!" It actually said, "Oooof!" Oh, no you didn't! But I am not one to be deterred.

Next I found my Me which eerily looks better than I do in real life. Anyway, it proceeded to send me on a one-way guilt trip.

Wii: "Oh my, it has been quite some time since your last visit."

I don't need this pressure in my life.

Wii: "Let's check your statistics. Measuring...measuring...measuring...Oh!"

Oh?! Oh?! What, did I tip the scales? Am I a lost cause? The fact my Me is now shaking her virtual head at me does not bode well.

Wii: "Let's look at your goals...what goals would you like to set for yourself?"

Aside from catching up three months of bank recs, washing my car, folding the laundry, and cleaning the kitchen?

Wii: "Let's check your balance and coordination. Oh! Do you sometimes find you fall down when you walk?

Why yes, Wii, I do, you ungrateful piece of...

Wii: "You seem to be a bit off-balance. Let's work on this, shall we?"

Well, Wii, let me tell ya'...this is not breaking news but if you have a solution I'm all ears. How about we just get started...

I figured I would start with some running. This was fine until a) my Granny's Me went sailing past me like I was standing still; and b) I nearly wet myself. Let's try something a bit more stationery, shall we?

Hula-hooping! Yes, now we're onto something! I start swirling and swirling and now I'm on a mission; calories are burning, inches are melting away, and I'm ready for a marathon. I'm a warrior! I'm a warrior! I'm grabbing hula-hoops and swirling and going to town on this thing! Until I got a cramp and nearly threw up from all the swirling. Moving on...

Yoga! I LOVE yoga! Yoga is one letter off from Yoda and he is cute as a button so I think I can do this. The most basic of poses is standing tree. Here I go! Unfortunately, the fact I can't balance for this standing flat on the floor did not help my total lack of coordination on the Wii board two inches in the air. I tipped over onto the dog who now is afraid to come near me.

It occurs to me as I grab a bowl of ice cream, at least I got my cardio because my heart is racing and my blood pressure is up just thinking of all the money I spent on this stupid thing. I'm a warrior, alright. As long as I don't hafta dash alongside my Granny on a board two inches up in the air, I'll be fine.