Beth, I'm loving your blog! The topics you choose are so "of the minute" and pertinent to my life, and it's a great pleasure to come here and read your witty take on things! On this day, I've come to critique your poem, but only because you asked! You're speaking to another English major here, after all. :) I love poetry, and have dabbled in writing it myself, so I'm coming to you with SOME experience (albeit TOTAL amateur experience, so don't get your hopes up...lol).I will tell you that the one thing that one of my professors told me, which has stuck with me through all of these years, is that when writing poetry, try to express your intent in the fewest words possible, therefore forcing yourself to make every word "count." We practiced this by writing Haiku, because you REALLY have to choose your words carefully there!Anywho...I think the sentiment in your poem above is being jarred by all the stops and starts with the word "again." (And maybe that is TOTALLY your intent, and if so, stop reading here!) But I think it's more effective if you just use the "again" at the end of each stanza. I've done it here for you. I think it rolls off of the tongue better here, and brings your point home just as well. I also changed a couple of words to keep the rhythm flowing. What do you think?I'm sorry I hurt youAnd the pain starts to burnAs your heart slowly diesAgain.You wanted to trust meI was afraid just to let youAnd I can't take the guiltAgain.My scarred soul is rippedFrom the promise I've brokenBut I need you to love meAgain.Say that you love meAs I say I love youSo we can begin Again.
Sharon - I love it! My inkling is to follow the same logic you describe whether I am writing business letters or free-writing. I like your suggestions as the idea of the repetitive cycle is not lost and more emotion is relayed with the continuous flow.So now, this piece is co-authored by the both of us ;O)
Ha! No co-authoring. I'm just an editor! It's much easier to edit something that someone else has come up with, than to actually come up with it yourself. Sometimes I think that editing would have been a good avenue for me to follow. Ah, well...I'm liking the decorating. ;)
Please share your thoughts, ideas, hopes, and dreams...I love reading every one of them!