The Situation...

Forget The Millionaire Next Door. Forget anything Suze Orman has ever taught you. According to this morning's Bloomberg Report, America's newest financial genius is none other than The Situation...you know, that idiot from Jersey Shore. Well, tint me orange and call me Snookie...

It seems that young Situation has created an app taking America by storm, pointing its user in the direction of the nearest tanning establishment, gym, and laundry. According to the news report, he has done very well for himself, securing financial riches despite our current economic ...ahem... situation.

Is it possible I can learn a thing or two from The Situation? I could create an app...

My app would point me in the direction of all those odd socks that never return from the drier.

My app would send me down any grocery aisle not taken up by people conversing smack dab in the middle of it with no room around them or wherewithal to move.

My app would record the telephone number of every telemarketer that calls my house so I can call them back at inconvenient times.

My app would come with a jerk alert so I don't get stuck next to them at every SPAC event I go to. I mean, c'mon, I know Beethoven's movement was performed to perfection, but I don't think it required the drunk next to me to flash her ta-tas at the conductor as she woo-hoo'd at near-deafening levels.

My app would come with electric shock therapy. Any time I even entertain saying, "You can't find anyone else? Sure, I'll do it" jolts of electricity will shoot through my brain, causing my eyes to roll back and my slobbery tongue to loll about, dissuading this and all future requests.

My app will be reminiscent of the pensieve in the Harry Potter books, where Dumbledore removes his memories for safe keeping. This way when I've lost my mind, I have a place to start looking for it.

Okay...there it is! Get Apple on the phone and let the money train roll into the station!

Of course, if all else fails I can always paint myself orange, buy a bump-it and a push-up bra, re-name myself "Snarky" and move to the shore. But that is not The Ideal Situation.