Alright you high-falutin TV executives thinkin' you've got it goin' on...LISTEN UP! I am REALLY angry with you and your gonna get a piece of my mind - so SIT DOWN and PAY ATTENTION! You have been messin' with my chi for way too long and it needs to stop now!
First of all, it needs to be understood that I don't watch much TV. (Editors Note: Most people who claim this as their truth watch entirely too much television; they just don't want to own it to society. But I digress.) Once in a great while I find a program that does not insult one's intelligence and I make a point to honor it with my allegiance. But then you executives butt in with your "Oh, we can make more money if we move it to another night" and "it has a great following, the viewers will come." Truly, you put too much trust in me.
Let it be know, I can step outside my comfort zone and walk on the wild side. Yes, I have been known to wear white after Labor Day and occasionally run with scissors. But this is just too much and to prove my point, let's examine the evidence:
Law and Order, SVU: I used to watch this thinking-person's show but it has been moved so many times I don't know if it is still on...I watch it in syndication.
Lie To Me: Another really good show fallen into the same trap; it brilliantly taught me how to psycho-analyze everyone. Unfortunately, I'm not sure it is even on anymore so my psychology skills remain seriously lacking.
Project Runway: Ack! This is the worse! My critiques yelled at the television are of no help to these budding designers. Not only did they change the night and time they changed entire station! In the words of Christian Siriano, "It's a hot mess."
The Barefoot Contessa: I love to cook. I love The Barefoot Contessa on Food Network. BUT I CAN'T FIND HER! How am I supposed to vicariously shop succulent ingredients culled from the magnificent Hampton's Farmers Markets, prepare them in a fabulous kitchen and enjoy the end result with an impromptu party with tables adorned with beautiful arrangements created by flamboyant friends if I CAN'T FIND INA? It's a travesty.
And the ultimate slap in the face...
The Big Bang Theory: Really? Really, dumb executives? Not only did you move this to a most inconvenient night, you move it up to begin an hour earlier? For shame! "It's a trap!"
Something has to give. MTV no longer plays music, Lifetime makes me gag, and the E! Entertainment Network is now the Kardashians-Who-I-Could-Not-Care-Less-About station. Enough! I can't handle all this chaos in my life.
My fellow viewers, we must revolt! Are we to be relegated to wherever these stuffed shirts think they can displace us? No! Are we a nation of Conan O'Briens? No! Take up your remote and declare, "This is my right!" We can no longer remain silent!
I offer no apology for our actions to you TV executives locked away in your ivory towers. You had this coming...and it all started with The Big Bang.