I have had an epiphany. It awoke me with its proclamation at 3:00 AM this morning. I guess God said, "Now that you have finally settled down, can I have your attention?" Who am I to argue?
This weekend in church one of my favorite psalms was read as the responsorial. It is Psalm 23...you know the one... "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He leads me to lie down in green pastures..." For the longest time I had associated this psalm with dying, as it was read when my grandfather passed away. However, I now know this psalm as a reassurance of God's unending love for me, and when I get myself out of the way, His ability to work wonders in my life.
A few days ago I was having a discussion with someone very important to me, although I am sure she isn't even aware of the impact she has on my life. I know her, as do all who love her, as KK. She is an amazing person and like me has been pursing her degree while going to work and while being a Mom and while raising a family. And she does this with such style and positive attitude...her laugh is one of my favorite sounds in the world. The great thing for KK is she will graduate in May and I could not be happier for her.
Anyway, KK said to me the other day as we discussed our mutual pursuit of higher education, "Honey, do not burn yourself out. Do not take so many classes that you forget to live. What good is it if you are stressed out?" Yeah, yeah, I replied, because I just want to be done and have that piece of sheepskin earn the degree. I went about my day with my head spinning around a Biology exam and paper which I am no where near ready for, in addition to contemplating when I can do the next assigned 25 Quantitative Business Math questions. Hmmm....
Flash forward to Sunday, Psalm 23, and the reassurance of green pastures and still waters. Somewhere this stayed in the back of my mind as I came home from church and began the Sunday routine: dinner, laundry, homework, baking, homework, more laundry, homework before passing out in bed around midnight. A mere three hours later came the awakening:
Why are you doing this? In your heart...why are you doing this? Are you willing to miss your daughter's first high school concert? Do you really want to celebrate your son's birthday on a day other than his birthday for the first time ever? Do you really want to be taking time from the job you love to worry about homework you didn't finish? Do you really want to be holed up every night doing homework rather than being with your children, who are growing faster than you can comprehend?
At 3:00 AM in the morning, the questions would not stop coming. Neither would KK's words of wisdom of staying true to myself and my happiness. I felt I had been given permission to stop, take a breath, and recognize where I am. And where I am is dropping my Biology class to concentrate on my QBUS class and enjoy my life. As KK said, what good is it if you're not enjoying it?
So it may take me a little bit longer to get there. So I may take the road less traveled. So I may rest in green pastures with a peaceful heart and mind. Something tells me the journey will be so much more the reward.
I don't know who wrote this poem, but one line states, "rest if you must, but don't you quit." So you're resting.
ReplyDeleteGood decision, Beth. I know you will finish your degree when the time is right. But even if you didn't, a piece of paper is only an accomplishment--an outward expression of the inner you. Whether you have it or not doesn't change who you are--you will always be smart, loving, fun, full of life, etc. Yes, enjoy living while there is life to live. xxBliss
ReplyDeleteBeth, I hear you sister. I had the same quandary and realized it is just not my time...yet!
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